Wrasslin' With Them Demons

 I very much need to resolve to do...something. I need some resolve. Need some resolutions. Been a weird storm of coincidences conspiring over the last few years, and it's worked to grind me down. For one, I think just aging is making things harder. Don't heal as fast or put on muscle as easily, etc. But the depression is crushing. Can hardly ever seem to quite get my head out of the fog, and from within it's so very hard to muster motivation. Sprained my wrist a couple months ago climbing, and I'm just easing back into that. Haven't been hangboarding. Have been riding quite a lot, and with the weather warming, have been racking up some base mileage. That seems to be helping my weight some, although I think I'm losing a lot of muscle also. Got up to around 220 a few weeks ago, and as of this morning am at 207. That's something to work with. At least it's trending in the right direction. I really thin if I can keep up the base work a few more weeks, then start hitting power work, I could squash some PRs. If I can drop 15 lb. while I'm doing it, that'll contribute mightily. 

Jordan and Amaya left this last week. I'm very bummed about that. We have basically no friends left here. little bit hard to believe that, but it's so. Work is chaotic, and very difficult to plan around. Been paying two mortgages 6 or 8 months now trying to sell a house. Steph and I are as dysfunctional as ever. Can't seem to stop drinking--at least something--every night, and that can't be healthy. It's just that Steph and I seem to have no other mode of being around each other: numb to the mutual negligence, I guess. I've taken up these nicotine pouches instead of tobacco, which i gather are supposed not to be as deleterious; but I'd expect they're still suboptimal. I've also taken up cooking a lot more seriously. That's certainly fun, but isn't exactly aiding in the fat loss. These things converge to make me crazy. I sometimes feel like I'm not much more than the accretion of decades of bad habits and reprehensible self-discipline. This is not the way I imagined myself as an adult. 

We'll see. I had labs drawn on Friday, and should find out the results tomorrow. If my liver is shot, or my cholesterol is stratospheric, I expect that'll light a fire under me for radical change. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm more nervous that my organs might be crying out for help, or that my labs might be stone cold normal. We'll see if regular, punishing exercise can offset regular, moderate drinking. Another aspiration towards mediocrity. 

At any rate, I'm almost up to 50 miles on single track for the week, which ain't too bad.